By Miguel Sanchez
Hello Fruit People. Today’s topic for me to rant about is New Season William Pears.
Yes, they are green.
Yes, they come from Shepparton, Victoria.
And Yes, they are in season from the start of February until the end of April.
Problem is. I find it hard to get rilled up and judgy about William pears and anything associated with them. So I am really struggling to make the word count, and I am nowhere near cool enough to have a two paragraph blog.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with William Pears. In fact, they are quite enjoyable. Much like that pleasant person you say hello to on the street. You don’t know their name, where they live or why you are even saying hello to them. So on the off chance that you do see them lying unconscious on the ground. You have no issue stealing their wallet. That is how I feel about William Pears.
So in the spirit of promoting William Pears and the new season. I did something I rarely ever do. Research a topic. So here goes.
The full name of the William Pear is; William Bon Chrétien Pear. The story goes that the pear was presented to the King of France on his deathbed. The King of France was quoted as saying “I am dying here, and you give me a friggin pear??”. He later died, after hitting the doctor in the head with the pear. I do wonder about the credibility of that Wikipedia page. But if it’s on the internet, it must be correct.
So. Are we excited yet? Your right. That was about as exciting as a spam sandwich. This whole pear thing needs a makeover. What William pears really need is to be more manly. When I think of William pears. I don’t want to be thinking of a nice man, with a hipster beard, wearing slacks and driving a motor scooter. I want to be thinking about a manly man. You know the one. Your car is broken down, and this manliest man pulls over, tears off his shirt and fixes your car. Then drives off in his black matte 4WD, and you are left wishing he took you with him.
So my solution is. When we think of William Pears, we need to get more blokey. I can see the commercial now.
Manly Man 1: “I just dropped the engine out of my V8 and did 100 one-armed pushups. To celebrate, I slammed down 6 fully ripe William pears. Boy was I ready to party.”
Manly Man 2: “That’s nothing. I just chopped down 16 acres of World Heritage listed rainforest with an axe, then set fire to the lot. Didn’t even raise a sweat. Lucky I had a whole carton of William pears in the ute because me and the boys went really hard on the pears after that.”
Manly Man 3: “You know, I am eating so many William pears, I don’t have time to do anything constructive with my life. Lost my job. My wife and kids have left me. All I do is eat William Pears! I just can’t stop.”
Ruggedly Man 1: You know what would cheer up Manly Man 3? More William Pears down at the club!!!
Ruggedly Man 2 & 3: YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!
(Everyone high fives and jumps into their shiny black 4WDs and speeds out on the highway knocking over numerous native animals)
So if you want to feel like a Manly man. Go and get yourself a new season William Pear today.