By Miguel Sanchez
New season Royal Galas are just about to be picked off the tree and sent to market. So my question is: Where are the marching bands, balloons and fireworks??? It is the start of the apple season!!! New season Royal Gala fresh from the orchards in Stanthorpe. Coming straight down the hill to Brisbane. Ready to be sold to anyone craving an apple!!! Yes, there are tonnes of exclamation marks in this paragraph. It is that important!!!!!!!!!!!
Alas, I get saddened by the general lack of excitement about Gala season. And yes I am talking about all of you. All this apathy about “Apples out of storage” and “Apples all year round”. That won’t do. When the first Royal Gala comes to the market, I want people to feel like genuinely dancing in the street! Celebrating with beers all round and high fiving each other; that type of excitement! You know, like when the Centrelink payment comes through.
Now let’s be honest (for a change). What’s not to like about an apple picked straight from the tree and eaten? Just like Adam and Eve did back in the day, but with fewer snakes and biblical repercussions. The fruit is perfect; it doesn’t get any better than this.
Dear reader, you are no doubt thinking. Well geez, Miguel, how do you get people into a frenzied stampede about Royal Gala apples? Maybe a better plan, is for you to go to Hell and die?
Well, I’m glad you asked, in a strange passive-aggressive way, because I do have a plan. I am going to do what every salesperson has done for generations to make things happen. LIE.
After many years selling fruit, It is hard to get buyers excited about new anything. So I am well within my rights to stretch the boundaries on how great things are. So every year when the fresh, new season apples come. I pull out the big guns and hassle anyone that will listen to me, with the story of “Supermodel Apple Farm”.
Every year, on “Supermodel Apple Farm”. All the hottest Swedish women (or men – depending on the customer) arrive on a bus and get busy picking, packing and (most importantly) frolicking with the apples. Which in turn, are sent to yours truly to sell to whatever hard up sucker that will believe my story.
This movie classification of this story is adjusted depending on the customer. Today we will be going for a PG rating. Because I realise I am servicing a higher class of audience that would not be interested in written nudity. R rated version only provided by request. To all the disgusting perverts among you.
So the sales pitch goes:
I have got new season Royal Gala here, fresh from the farm!!! LET’S TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND PARTY!!!
Why should you buy my galas, When they are cheaper down the road?
Well, the difference is. Swedish Supermodels pick my new season Galas, fresh from Stanthorpe. I swear — Blonde, blue-eyed, 6 foot 2 and all of them Olympic gymnasts.
Every morning they are out there in the field reaching and heaving to grab those apples from the trees.
Plus, it gets reasonably warm up there this time of year. So they are wearing nothing but bikinis.
Just think about that. 30 bikini clad Swedish supermodels out in that orchard picking these Royal Galas, especially for YOU.
And, if you buy 12 boxes of Royal Gala right now, I will tell you about the jelly wrestling that occurs at lunchtime.
So to conclude. In the Miguel Sanchez plan to celebrate Royal Gala season. There will be a street parade involving:
A Marching Band
Free Royal Gala apples
One hundred dancing Swedish supermodels.
Tah Dah. Problem solved.
So I leave you now, as I reach for my speedo and stroll down to my local fruit shop to buy some Royal Gala apples. Think how much heaving, straining and frolicking those Swedish supermodels put into harvesting this Royal Gala apple especially for me.
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